The Fantabulous Tale of Sweeney Todd!
by Clownage
Summary: The erm... chaos-filled retelling of the tale of Sweeney Todd! Read and review.
1. Chapter ONE has no title

**Disclaimer:**_ Although I've taken it upon myself to mastermind some torturous ways of converting the motion picture to my own demented parody, I don't own Sweeney Todd, nor any of the characters inhabiting it. READ ON, and you'll manage to keep your legs. :D -Drops saw.- Yes, that's right..._

_----_

_**Narrator:**__ A stormy, grungy-looking sea "happily" guides a ship to London. Anthony, a sailor, proudly sings about the wonderful adventures he had, comparing them to the nasty, foggy freaking London. Joining in would be none other than our dear procrastinator, Mr. Sweeney Todd._

Anthony: (In the melody of his song) No, there's no place like London!

Sweeney Todd: (Emerges out of nowhere) No, there's no place like London!

Anthony: ... (Staring vacantly at Sweeney) Mister Todd? That was my so--

Sweeney Todd: (Completely ignoring him) You are young...

Anthony: Mister Todd, that was my song! (Prod, prod)

Sweeney Todd: Life has been kind to you...

Anthony: MISTER TODD, IT'S MY TURN TO SHINE!

Sweeney Todd: You will leeeaaarrrnnn...

Anthony: (Coughblehemcough) Done?

Sweeney Todd: (Scowl)

Anthony: I saved you from the reindeer, back in Australia! Remember? Now let me sing?

Sweeney Todd: ... Don't you mean Kangar--

Anthony: (Hugs Sweeney's waist) Reeeeeiiiiiinnnnndeeeerrrrr.

Sweeney Todd: ... (Twitch) ... This somehow reminds me of how my wife -- ... (Solemnly singing) There was a barber and his wife, and she was beautiful ... a dumbass barber and his wife, she was his reason and his life, and she was beautiful ... and not in the least a virgin. And he was ... a_ dumbassssss_. Some ugly Harry Potter guy saw she was beautiful ... an ugly pervert judge ... who with his unclipped toenails ... removed the barber from his plate ...

Anthony: (Still hugging; not even acknowledging Sweeney's "Emo" story) Your tummy made a rumbly! (Christmasy giggle)

Sweeney Todd: (Looks around dangerously) ... MAN OVERBOARD. (Pushes Anthony off the boat and flees)

[About one flippin' hour later.

Anthony: (Gradually crawls ashore London) Something deep down tells me that Mister Todd has a daughter taken captive by an ugly judge that once raped his wife, and the every time I see her, she'll be sitting in a window singing as will she the majority of the movie, I WILL MARRY HER! (Pranced off)

[Meanwhile, sludgy old London streets.

Sweeney Todd: (Walking angrily through the streets, muttering) There's a hole in the world like a great black pi-- UGH! LONDON ... I HATE IT. (Twitch)

_**Narrator:**__ The camera goes on superfreakingspeed mode through the streets, quickly flashing random going-ons._

Sweeney Todd: (Crosses a street like that whole superspeed thing was normal, and stands in front of Mrs. Lovett's pie shop, reading the sign) OHFURIZZLIN'CAKES! MEAT PIES! Something I can imagine the judge, killed after having his throat slit, catipulted through the floor and baked into a meat pie, as I bite into the tender goodness of human meat! (A bird flies by and poops on his shoulder) EUGH. STUPID BIRD. MY NICE SHIRT ... now my good mood's ruined. London sucks! (Walks in angrily and sits down at the window)

Mrs. Lovett: Oh crap, a customer! (Somersaults matrix-like over her counter and lands on Sweeney)

Sweeney Todd: (Gasps for air)

Mrs. Lovett: I thought you was a ghost, love!

Sweeney Todd: (GASP, GASP, GASP)

Mrs. Lovett: (Stands up, brushing herself off) Welcome to my pie shop! I make the worst pies in flippin' London! Yup, I suuuure do! Here! Try one! (Jammed it in his mouth) Just made it a year ago.

Sweeney Todd: (Spews it out) WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM, LADY?!

Mrs. Lovett: I know. It's gross. Here! Wash it down with some gin. (Hands him a glass)

Sweeney Todd: (Takes a sip, scrunching his face up)

Mrs. Lovett: Er ... wait, that was my last customer's denchers glass ...

Sweeney Todd: ... (Gag)

Mrs. Lovett: Sorry 'bout that. Forget I'm outta me gin.

Sweeney Todd: (Brushing off his tongue) Stho wot 'bout tat rum abuff teh sop?

Mrs. Lovett: Wot about rum, love?

Sweeney Todd: (Stops) SO, WHAT 'BOUT THAT ROOM ABOVE THE SHOP?! (Rolled eyes)

Mrs. Lovett: ... If I told you, I'd have to kill you ...

Sweeney Todd: ... What'd you just say?

Mrs. Lovett: ... I said people think it's haunted! (Coughgiggle) 'Cos (Begins to sing) There was a barber and this bitch, and he was fine as hell! Name was Benjamin Barker, it was.

Sweeney Todd: I'm fine as hell? (Big, happy smile)

Mrs. Lovett: Yes, love! I always thought you was fine as he-- WAIT A MINUTE ... You're Benjamin Barker?

Sweeney Todd: ... Not Barker. _Todd.__Sweeney Todd. _It's so much more fun to say than _Benjamin Barker_. 'Cos I mean, it's like ... "Swee" with the "wee" and the "Ess" and the "Ney" 'cos it's like "Neee!" And the Todd. It's like, "Todd." So cool, right? (The oh-so "in character" grimace at Mrs. Lovett)

Mrs. Lovett: Aw'right then. Hey! (Handcuffs herself to Sweeney) I got somethin' to show you!

Sweeney Todd: ... (Flinches at handcuffs) I don't like where this is going ...

Mrs. Lovett: (Drags him upstairs)

[Upstairs. Jeez. I'm too lazy to put detail into this?

Mrs. Lovett: I've been savin' somethin' here for you, deary. (Wide, wide smile)

Sweeney Todd: (Sweat, sweat) ...

Mrs. Lovett: ... (Pulls a mysterious crowbar out of nowhere and tears the floorboard open vigorously, after that, she then whips out from the floor a dusty old box and holds it in front of Sweeney)

Box: (Magically opens on its own, a bright light shining in Sweeney's face)

Sweeney Todd: OH MY GOD! (Stumbles backwards and smacks head into the wall)

Mrs. Lovett: ... (Rolls eyes) ... Ah, yeah. Anyway. LOOKIT, LOVE! (Brings them to Sweeney)

Sweeney Todd: (Stares in the box in complete astonishment, light still beaming in his eyes) ... Oh ... shiznuckles. (Tears a razor out of the box) AREN'T YOU JUST PRECIOUS?! (Cuddles the razor ever-so-gently, talking all cutesy-wootsy) Yes you are! Yes you are! (Stroke, stroke)

[After ten minutes of Sweeney caressing the razor and singing to it.

Mrs. Lovett: (Rubs head against Sweeney's shoulder) Oh, Mister Tee. I'm your friend too! I'm your friend! I secretly love you so much, Mister Tee! I love you! Lovelovelove! Lots of it!

Sweeney Todd: ... (Notices Mrs. Lovett finally there) Why are you still here? CAN'T YOU SEE?! I love them! Leave me!

Mrs. Lovett: ... (As forgiving as she is) Oh, that's alright Mr. Todd! I'll be happy to see you when your done being creepy with your razors ya got there! (Hums, running down the stairs cheerfully)

Sweeney Todd: (Throws arm up in the air, watching his razor gleam) AT LAST! I want a pretzel ...

-----

**The reason I've rudely interrupted your enjoyment... or suffering. Heh.  
THE STORY SHALL BE CONTINUED. Eventually. I expect reviews, lots**

**and lots of reviews, criticizing me. :D**


	2. I can't believe, it's chapter TWO

**I Can't Believe It's Chapter Two!**

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[On the streets of London.

Anthony: (Wandering annoyingly until he crashes into a building, he then looks up) Ow ... that ... _REALLY_ hur-- OOOOOOOHHHH! (Spies an abnormally hot girl sitting in the window) WOW! She looks shockingly like Sweeney Todd's wife in that thought bubble he conjured up while stealing my song! (Smiling with a twitching eye)

Johanna: (Stares down at him) Oooh! A boy! I sure hope he's not one of those crazy sailors that wander the street singing a specific maiden's name! (Sings to her birds)

Anthony: (Grapples some dirty, begging prostitute lady) Do you know her? (Points at the Johanna sitting in the window)

Beggar Woman: (Flinch) That's my daughter ... her name's Johanna -- Judge Turpin won't let her go! (Sniff)

Anthony: (Throws the woman away in a fit of happiness) Cool!

Beggar Woman: (Head stuck in a garbage can) City on fire! (Weep)

Anthony: (Sings) I feeeeeel you, Johanna! I don't have any relation to your problem, but I wanna sound heroic!

Judge Turpin: (Whips open door and points) YOU! Shut up and come in! (Tempting) _I have candy ..._

Anthony: (Merrily) O'kay! (Walks in)

Judge Turpin: (Slams door shut) You know, women are very sexy.

Anthony: That's awesome! (Not listening) Where's my candy?

Judge Turpin: (Smashes a vase over Anthony's head)

Anthony: Ow! What the frick was that for? (Rubs head)

Judge Turpin: You don't feel anything. _I_ feel her, Anthony._ I_ feel her. (Drool)

Anthony: ... How did you know that's what I was saying? HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME? (Points)

Judge Turpin: (Points at Anthony's shoulder) I read your name tag, and NO DOUBT I'D HEAR YOU SINGING ABOUT MY BELOVED WARD, YOUNGIN'. Beadle, dispose of him!

Beadle: (Counting his fingers with his tail swaying) ... Wha-- (Cough) Oh! (Waddles to Anthony and pulls him by the ear out onto the street. He then starts puncturing his eye with a cane) HERE'S YOUR CANDY, BUDDY! Go away or me and my homie Turpin are going to eat your brains! (Wandering eye drifts off to the left)

Anthony: Yeah? Well ... Well ... You're ugly! (Gets up and runs away)

[Meanwhile ...

Sweeney Todd: (Angrily playing DS) DAMN PUPPY! I JUST FED YOU YESTURDAY! (In his own rage, smashes the DS screen on his forehead until it breaks)

Mrs. Lovett: Um ... O'_kay_! Well, we should really get going!

Sweeney Todd: To where exactly?

Mrs. Lovett: I dunno. But don't you want to explore London?

Sweeney Todd: Actually ... I don--

Mrs. Lovett: (Interrupts) Great! Let's go!

[Gradually.

Sweeney Todd: (Spots the Beadle in a crowd of clueless people staring at a kid with a wig) Sweeney ... _kill_ ...

Mrs. Lovett: (Smack) Are you stupid? There's too many witnesses!

[Flashes to a TV.

Mrs. Lovett: (Standing in a happy version of London. She stares at the television viewers -- children) Hello boys and girlies! Can you tell me how many witnesses of the Beadle's death there are? (Big smile, big silence. Stare, stare)

Children: (Say an insanely large number)

Mrs. Lovett: That's right! An insanely large number! Yay! (Claps)

[Anyway ...

Sweeney Todd: (Weirded out) ... What was _that_?

Mrs. Lovett: (Blink) ... What was what?

Sweeney Todd: (Nervously) Ah-haha ... never you mind, love.

Toby: (Throws a bottle at Sweeney)

Sweeney Todd: (Gets hit in the eye and it bounces into his hand) OW, WHAT THE FU-

Toby: (Sings) Buy Pirelli's Miracle Elixi--

Sweeney Todd: (Interrupts rudely) HELL NO! YOU JUST HIT ME IN THE FRECKING EYE WITH IT. DAMN. AND -- (Sniffs the bottle) IT'S JUST PISS ... WITH UNICORN BLOOD.

Harry Potter: (Stands there all surprised-like)

Mrs. Lovett: ... HARRY POTTER!

Harry Potter: ... A DEATH-EATER.

Mrs. Lovett: ... HARRY POTTER.

Harry Potter: A DE-

Signor Pirelli: (Interrupts) I'ma da kind of da barbers, who-a dare-a say my-a elixir-a is-a piss-a?

Sweeney Todd: ... I do sir. My name is Sweeney Todd. And MAAANNNNN does your elixir stink. You nasty fraud!

Signor Pirelli: ... I SHAVE-A THE POPE ...

Sweeney Todd: ... Yeah, uh. Cool ...

Signor Pirelli: HEY. Is-a that _sarcasm_-a I smell-a in-a your-a voice ... a?

Sweeney Todd: You smell sarcasm? What are you? Some kind of alien? _Leprechaun_?

Signor Pirelli: A-no. I'ma Italian-a. (Thumbs up)

Sweeney Todd: (Not buying it in the least) ... Ah, sure. Whatever you say, Mr. _Leprechaun_!

Signor Pirelli: THAT'S-A IT. I-A CHALLENGE-A YOU-A TO A SHAVE-A OFF-A!

Sweeney Todd: (Cracks knuckles) O'right ... Who'll be the poor, innocent _victi-- _I mean the lucky subjects today?

Beadle: Ooooh! I know! I know! (Throws two random guys in) Yeah!  
_  
**Narrator:** And before the author decides to get into full detail of the weird Italian Kazahkstani lathering someone's face actually thinking he can defeat every fangirl's __dream, Sweeney Todd, in a face-shaving contest. Sweeney ... whoops his ass. Surprise, surprise.  
_  
Signor Pirelli: ... What? No fair! The narrator didn't even give me a chance to shave the guy!

_**Narrator:** ... THEY KNOW I'M HERE! (Runs screaming, holding head)_

Sweeney Todd: (Walks over to the Beadle) ...

Beadle: Hey! Mister Sweeney! That was cool, man! I should be one of your customers one day! Because you _don't _look suspiciously like Benjamin Barker, the father of Judge Turpin's ward! And you _don't _look like the type of guy who would butcher a fat man like me and have his womanly partner bake me into a pie!

Sweeney Todd: (Cheerfully) Eheh. Yup! You can come anytime! (Sprints off gleefully ... full of evil ... glee ... yeah.)_  
_

-----

**TO BE CONTINUED...**

**Rant: What the hell? I ended it at a very odd moment.  
Well, that's all I got done at school. Shush!**

**By the way, thank you for the reviews. I'm glad to know**

**people are enjoying the story. It's not my greatest, I**

**have higher potential.**


	3. Made it to Chapter Three?

**Made It To Chapter Three?**

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[Meanwhile, Anthony ... is still poking 'round London, with nothing but the mysteriously hot Johanna on his mind.

Johanna: ... (Spies Anthony in the street) ...

Anthony: (Spots Johanna as a hawk spots its prey, _FEAR_THE METAPHOR) My love! Oh, Johanna! Let down your hair!

Johanna: Oh my god ... (Cringe) It's _him_ -- That annoying sailor guy. I heard him singing my name. He doesn't feel me! He's out there! (Whimper)

Judge Turpin: (Peering through the hole he drilled in the hall like he always does) ... C'mon ... remove the clothes ... Heh.

Johanna: (Lifts open window, ready to tell Anthony to 'GTFO')

Anthony: (Stares in amazement)

Johanna: (Opens mouth, but then accidentally knocks a key that was suspiciously sitting on the window sill out of the window, and they land in the hands of Anthony)

Judge Turpin: (Cough)

Johanna: (Quickly shuts the window and looks around)

Anthony: (Stares at the key in amazement) Yay!

[Runs off.

Johanna: (Unaware of the key) _Why's he so happy_?

[The following day.

Sweeney Todd: (Prowling back and forth like a vicious cat) WHY ISN'T THE BEADLE HERE?

Mrs. Lovett: ... He said by the end of the we-

Sweeney Todd: (Interrupts) IT _IS _THE END OF THE WEEK.

Mrs. Lovett: ... IT'S ONLY TUESDAY.

Sweeney Todd: (Looks around) ... How do you know that? There aren't any calenders to keep track on ...

Mrs. Lovett: ... I have friends in high places ...

Sweeney Todd: (Cups ear) Excuse me?

Mrs. Lovett: ... I said Natasha doesn't draw, she traces!

(_**Author's Note:**__ ... Natasha? Oh, oh. Never you mind who that is, rofl_.)

Sweeney Todd: (Narrows eyes and tilts his head menacingly) Who's Natash-- Nevermind. _Anyway_... Hey! (Points out the window) It's Signor Pirelli, and that little kid he abuses!

Signor Pirelli: (Walks in) Aha, Mr. Todd!

Sweeney Todd: ... How did you get in so fast?

Signor Pirelli: (Ignores that question and suddenly sounds all British like) I know who you are, Mr. Todd! (Points)

Sweeney Todd: ... A-wha?

Signor Pirelli: And I won't tell anybody who you are as long as you give me HALF. YOUR. EARNINGS.

Sweeney Todd: (In an outburst, takes a random object and bashes Pirelli repeatedly over the head until he's unconscious and stuffs him in a suspiciously body-sized chest in the corner)

[Downstairs.

Toby: (Stares up at the ceiling) My spidey-senses tell me that Signor Pirelli and Mr. Todd are fighting! I better go stare and act like I can do something about it! (Stands)

Mrs. Lovett: No! No! Don't go up there! Nothing suspicious is happening! Sit down and have a nice pie an' some liquor! (Smiles heavily)

[Upstairs.

Toby: (Walks in and looks around drastically to see on his right... Mr. Todd casually cleaning his blades) ... Where's Signor Pirelli?

Sweeney Todd: He went out. You should go downstairs until he gets back.

Toby: No, I think I should stay up here with you -- because you _don't_ look like a homicidal lunatic that just killed someone and tried erasing all evidence. (Sits on the chest with Pirelli's hand sticking out)

Sweeney Todd: (Stares down at the hand, and notices that it's twitching) ... (Mutters under his breath) _Awe crap... _(Normal tone) SO! You should really go eat another pie with Mrs. Lovett! (Shoves Toby out the door and walks over to the chest)

Signor Pirelli: ... (Deadish)

Sweeney Todd: (Rips him out of the chest) DIE BORAT! (Slits his throat) DIE, DIE, DIE. (Throws him back in the box pets his razor) I _loooooove_ you, little buddy! You is my home-dog, yes you are! (Rub, rub)

Mrs. Lovett: (Walks in) So, when's that annoying Italian guy coming back?

Sweeney Todd: ... I killed him, yo'. (Stares at the chest)

Mrs. Lovett: ORLY?

Sweeney Todd: YA RLY.

Mrs. Lovett: ORLY?

Sweeney Todd: YA RLY.

Mrs. Lovett: (Peers in the chest) Oh. Alright then. (Takes Pirelli's wallet and stuffs it in her boobs)

---

TO BE CONTINUED.

**I was working on no inspiration, don't hurt me.  
Anyway, thank you again for the reviews. It's  
coolio that you think it's funny. I still think I can  
do better. Sweeney Todd's just a little difficult to do.  
D: Anywho, I expect more reviews. **


	4. This Chapter Would Be The FOURTH

**This Chapter Would Be The Fourth.**

**------**

_**Narrator:**__ (Dusting herself off) Ah. Now where were we?_

[Walking down the street, is no other than Snape and Peter Pett-- ... I mean Judge Turpin and the Beadle! Yeah!

Judge Turpin: ... Mr. Uh ... Beadle ...

Beadle: (Big, stupid smile) Tha's my name! (Wink)

Judge Turpin: ... Yeah, man. I was just thinking about something.

Beadle: Really? That's amazing!

Judge Turpin: ... I wasn't finished.

Beadle: Coolio! (Another stupid smile)

Judge Turpin: Um. _O'kay_, anyway... I was thinking... after like, I don't know, sixty ... maybe a hundred thirty two years I've been living _without_ a wife. I think I'm going to marry my sweet Johanna.

Beadle: Uh, (Cough) Ew.

Judge Turpin: ... (Silent, lethal stare)

Beadle: ... I mean, happy news indeed! Nyehah. But uh, hey -- you look gross. You should get someone to shave a disgusting face like yours! (Pat, pat) I know the _perfect _guy to shave you! He's all cool-lookin'. He'll shave your face majestically without slitting your throat and using your body in odd ways.

Judge Turpin: Just what I've always dreamed of!

Beadle: They call him _Sweeney Todd_. (Flutters fingers at the judge)

Judge Turpin: Awe, he can't POSSIBLY be a killer with THAT name.

(The Headless Horseman comes running down the street flapping his sword around)

Beadle: Oh no! It's that Headless Horseman again! (Waggles finger at the Headless Horseman) Naughty, naughty!

Headless Horseman: (Slices Beadle's finger off)

Judge Turpin: ... Scabbers?

(The Beadle and Judge Turpin look at each other and run off to Fleet Street giggling like little girls)

[The Barber Shop

Sweeney Todd: (Spies the Judge out the window, and pulls away from it, running back and forth at an inhuman speed, cheerfully) Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy! IT'S THE JUDGE! (Victory jump into the air, freezes in mid-air)

Judge Turpin: (Walks in and stares at the floating barber) ... Um ... hey...

Sweeney Todd: (Just realizes he's defying the laws of gravity) _Oh damn. _(Falls)

Judge Turpin: ... (Giggles to himself)

Sweeney Todd: (Stands up, dusting himself off)

Judge Turpin: Hey, uh. I'd like a shave! Shave me?

Sweeney Todd: (Wince) ... A'right. Sit down, sir! (Guides him to the seat)

Judge Turpin: Hurry up!

Sweeney Todd: (Sucks teeth) Man! (Grabs razor and starts singing to it) Now then, my friend, now to your purpo--

Judge Turpin: (Rudely interrupts) I'M SORRY TO INTERRUPT YOUR SCA-

Sweeney Todd: (Interrupts back) STFU. (Cough) Now, who am I making this out to?

Judge Turpin: (Proudly) My young ward, Johanna! I'm going to marry her and I'm going to do her in the most odd positions and methods, and she's going to bare my bazillions of children.

Sweeney Todd: ... (Grimace) Uh, cool?

Anthony: (Slams through the door, almost as if he didn't even use the doorknob) Mr. Todd! You know that girl I told you about, Johanna? You know, the one I told you about in a part that the author of this left out? I'm going to steal her from the judge when he least expects it and we're going to run away together and I'm going to do her in the most odd posit--

Sweeney Todd: (Twitch)

Judge Turpin: Ew. Sweeney Todd, you didn't tell me you're friends with this annoying sailor boy. I hate you now! I'm leaving and I'm never going to come back unless you somehow decide to mail me a frighteningly convincing letter as to why I must get myself a shave from you at all costs! (Storms out)

Anthony: ... (Watches him leave and then stares at Sweeney) Anyway, MR. TODD, I--

Sweeney Todd: Out ...

Anthony: What? I--

Sweeney Todd: (Approaches) FREAKING OUT, I SAY, OUT!

Anthony: (Runs away)

Mrs. Lovett: (Comes in) What's all the yelling about? Does somebody need a spanking?

Sweeney Todd: ... NO!! (Throws a tantrum)

Mrs. Lovett: (Sigh) ... Well, there goes my day. (Slips a paddle in between her boobs)

Sweeney Todd: I had him, I almost freaking killed that MOTHERFU-

Mrs. Lovett: Easy now, dude. There's a kid downstairs.

Sweeney Todd: (Starts singing) WE ALL DESERVE TO DIE, EVEN YOU MRS. LOVETT, EVEN I.

Mrs. Lovett: (Rolls eyes)

[Gradually.

Sweeney Todd: (Storms out onto the street) ALRIGHT. YOU SIR, (Points at a pedestrian who's not paying attention) How about a shave? (Rant, rant)

[After a few moments of pointing out people and commanding them to shave.

Sweeney Todd: (Rolling around in the rain) I'LL NEVER SEE MY GIRL AGAIN! (Yadayadayada) AND I'M FULL OF JOY!

[That all seemed to be imagined or something.

Sweeney Todd: (Actually just sitting on the dirty floor with his hands full of razors, staring at Mrs. Lovett)

Mrs. Lovett: ... That was a little odd. I thought it was sexy... but it was weird. You should try counseling!

------

**This chapter's running a bit short.  
My mom only gave me an hour, so I had  
to whip this chapter up in an hour.  
My story progress may also end up slowing  
down until I can prove to my mom that  
I'm not a total freak that just sits there  
conjuring up weird ideas for thingies  
on the computer all the time. **


	5. Onto Chapter Five

**Onto Chapter Five.**

**-----**

[Downstairs

Sweeney Todd: (Staring through a glass cup)

Mrs. Lovett: (Plops down in front of him) Guess what. I got the most funny idea ever just now.

Sweeney Todd: (Narrows eyes) An' what would that be?

Mrs. Lovett: You remember that disgusting rotting body in the chest, right?

Sweeney Todd: (Not really listening) Mmhm...

Mrs. Lovett: Well, instead of just trying to bury him somewhere, we should like, bake him into pies and serve him to my loving customers! So as long as you keep killing, I keep getting tipped!

_**Author's Note: **__... Sounds like a plan!)_

Sweeney Todd: Oh! That means your pies will actually taste good! (Poke)

Mrs. Lovett: ... (Emotionally nods)

Sweeney Todd: (Grapples Mrs. Lovett) YOU'RE BRILLIANT, LOVE! LET'S SING ABOUT VARIOUS PEDESTRIANS WE CAN THROW INTO THEM PIES!

Mrs. Lovett: A'right... (Sniff) Hey! I got something! (Slams pie viciously onto the table)

Sweeney Todd: Wtf is that?

Mrs. Lovett: It's priest, Mr. Todd... and before you interrupt me and ask if it's good, it's too good!

Sweeney Todd: ... (Stares out the window at a morbidly obese priest) But he's like, _really _fat. I mean, _reaalllyyy_. Serve a poet, because they're poetry is so depressing. It's like, wicked annoying.

Mrs. Lovett: No, because the poet looks dead already. Hey! How about a politician? And a clown? And a wrestler?

Sweeney Todd: And a hobo? And Anthony? And maybe _you_!

Mrs. Lovett: (Didn't hear the last part) Yes!

[After a while...

Sweeney Todd: (Somehow sitting on Mrs. Lovett) Are we there yet?

_(**Author's Note:**__ Wtf.)_

[The Judge's ... Crib; Johanna's room

Johanna: (Packing her stuff happily) Tralalala... (Packs a random jar of dirt and starts singing to herself) I gotta jar o' diiiirt, I gotta jar o' diiiirt, I gotta jar o' diiiirt, and guess what's inside it?

Judge Turpin: (Tears open door) Um, excuse me?! Where do you think YOU'RE going? (Huff)

Johanna: ... It's not polite to barge into a _lady's_ room.

Judge Turpin: Ah yes, but... you're secretly a _man_!

Audience Watching The Movie: (GASPOMFG)

Johanna: ... That was harsh, Mr. Judge.

(They exchange glances)

Judge Turpin: A'right, I'm bored now. Beadle! Go take her to the house of the crazies! (Prowls away)

Beadle: (Stands there with a big ugly smile) Oh yay!

_**Narrator:**__ Outdoors, Anthony is peering in the bushes._

Anthony: This is not at all stalkerish! (Stares and sees Johanna get shipped away and runs over to Judge Turpin) HOW COULD YOU!

Judge Turpin: ... Um, ew. Go away?

Anthony:_ YES_! I _WAS _HIDING IN THE BUSHES WATCHING YOUR EVERY MOVE._  
_

Judge Turpin: (Arches eyebrow) I didn't ask you if you were. (Blink)

Anthony: (Stare)

Judge Turpin: I haven't asked you anything about hiding in the bushes... I haven't even tho-

Anthony: (Grips Judge Turpin's shirt) WHERE IS SHE GOING?

Judge Turpin: ... I shouldn't tell you that she's being taken away to the asylum, just so you'll never find her! (Angrily slams the door shut)

Anthony: (Runs off singing about Johanna)

[Meanwhile, on Fleet Street

Toby: (Singing) Ladies and Gentlemen, may I have your attention puh-lease? Mrs. Lovett would like you all to eat her newly improved meatpies!

Mrs. Lovett: (Pokes head out the door) Made with REAL human!

Customer: ... Huh?

Mrs. Lovett: (Cough) Made with some ingredient other than human!

Customer: Oh, alright. I'll take it! (Throws like, twenty dollars at her)

Other Customers: IT'S HIGHLY DELICIOUS! FANTASTIC!

[Upstairs.

Customer: Woah, thanks Mr. Sweeney! Ha-ha, Sweeney! I'm really enjoying the thrill of being shaved by you! Just make sure you don't cut my neck open and submit me into the basement so I can be baked into the dilectable pies that crazy lady downstairs is serving. Can't imagine what that'd be like.

Sweeney Todd: Ha, sure... (Slit, submit. He then watches that guy's skull on the basement floor) _I_ certainly can. (Sigh) WHY IS THIS REMINDING ME OF JOHANNA?! (Starts singing dramatically about how Johanna might resemble his wife and how he'll never see her again)

Anthony: (Joins in, running down the street, still singing that same annoying 'Johanna' song) I feeeeeeeeeeeeel you, Johaaaannnnnnnaaaaa.

Beggar Woman: (Randomly points at the barber shop) IT'S THE WORK OF SATIN.

Anonymous Guy: STFU, LADY.

[Gradually.

Anthony: (Reaches the barber shop) I feeeeeeeeeel you, Johaaaaaaaannnnnaaaa!

Sweeney Todd: (Pokes his head out the door and chucks a brick at Anthony)

Anthony: (Gets hit square in the head and seemingly falls on conscious)

Sweeney Todd: Finally...

Anthony: (Flies up and runs into the barber shop) MR. TODD! Johanna was sent to an insane asylum. It's SO FREAKING SAD. WHAT DO I DO? HELP ME?

Sweeney Todd: ... Go away?

Anthony: (Didn't pay attention to that response) No, no. That'll never work.

Sweeney Todd: (Cough) Threaten the guy at the asylum with a gun and then have a bunch of crazy blonde girls attack him?

Anthony: PERFECT IDEA! I'LL PRETEND I'M A WIGMAKER'S APPRENTICE AND STEAL HER FROM THERE! I LOVE YOU, MR. TODD!

Sweeney Todd: (Twitch) ... _Greeeaaaat_. Bring her here when you're done, and dress her like a sailor so I can't recognize her.

(Anthony runs happily away)

Sweeney Todd: This gets a little too weird...

-----

**TO BE CONTINUED. **

**Chapter didn't make much sense, but seeing as though  
I'm not, particularly the most normal person out there,  
you'd expect nothing less. Now I'll go enjoy a sandwich.  
Or something... and I'll hopefully update rather quickly.**


End file.
